So I left El Dorado, AR and went to Little Rock for a two day work trip. I was super excited to be reunited with my two friends (husband and wife) who recently moved from El Dorado to Little Rock, AR to pursue their fortunes in a big city. I was also looking forward to spending the night in their swanky new flat (it is nice ya’ll). As we neared their place, she suggested that we park behind her house and slip in through her back yard fence. This would keep us from having to walk really far with our shopping bags, groceries and an active toddler (she is adorable). The plan seemed sensible and being the lazy girl that I am, I quickly agreed (it had been a long day, a story for another blog). As we pulled in to the parking space directly in front of her back yard, I gathered my things and lined them inside the back yard, on the other side of the fence.
The back yard was encased in a wrought iron fence. The fence was much like the one pictured here except with slightly larger spacing. First, my friend’s husband who is tall and slender slipped effortlessly between the bars to the other side. He then assisted his little girl who is equally as slender. As I handed him the last bag of groceries, I decided to cross to the other side. I cautiously put my foot through the bar. Except….something was not quite right. My thighs felt tight and the more of my torso that I added, the more resistance I met. Undaunted, I decided to try leading with my upper body. I squiggled and squeezed (I felt like I was getting a free mammogram). Side note, October is breast cancer awareness month, ladies please make sure to do a monthly self exam. It takes less than a minute and it is free. For more information please visit Susan G.Komen for the Cure .
Alas, not even half a boob could go through the fence. Again, I decided to employ a different approach and lead with my entire left side. As I squirmed to get even a couple inches past, I had a vision of a scene from Lord of the Rings. The more I struggled, the more the scene where Gandalf yelled, “You shall not pass! You shall not pass! You shall not pass!” flashed through my mind. I finally decided to give up. My friend gave me an understanding but sympathetic smile. I stood there, wishing the ground would open and swallow me up. I couldn’t dare to ask her to help squish me through, but I could not go on trying to squeeze through the fence, looking like Free Willy (you get this reference if you were raised in the 90’s). I simply did not want to try until I got trapped (that is not how I want to be featured on the 5 O’clock news). Alas, the skinny gods had decided that I was not to pass. I have read novels and watched movies where the skinny girl had a fat friend, but I had never really thought about it in real life. Then it dawned on me, I.was.the.fat.friend! (Ish got real…very fast). As I stood on the other side, looking longingly at the door that was only a couple feet away, I felt a wave of frustration well up inside me. Sensing my discomfort, my friend asked her husband if he would mind walking me around to the main entrance while she took the baby inside. He acquiesced and again effortlessly glided in-between the fence posts back to the outside. His wife picked up the diaper bag and she too squeezed her fit frame through the fence to the other side.
As we walked to the main gate, I felt a sense of sadness. How had this become? How had the junk in my trunk increased exponentially? How was it that I could not even dare to squeeze even one lovely lady lump on to the other side of the fence?
Have you experienced something similar or have you been denied entrance through the “fence” of life? If so, how did you handle it? Feel free to comment.
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Diary of a Smalltown Diva 
This cracked me up!!! Thank you for a lighter post with some humor.
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Hollering so loud, my my my!! Diva, thanks for making my Wednesday night one of laughter. Great sense of humor!
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This is funny Lensa. I can identify wtih you though… the pounds just add up!!!
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